A Failure of Firsts

So, remember the brilliant idea I had about dedicating the next year to "extreme dating". What did I say the point was? Exploring my options? Getting out there? Enjoying myself? Well, whatever I told myself, I massively take it back because I just crawled into bed, in half a fetal position, stuffing my face with red velvet cupcakes and watching Barney with my two year old. 

It has been a rough week. 

I had three dates lined up last week, and calling them complete disasters would be way too kind. They were dates that made me long for my Ex-Husband. And only those who have met Le Ex-Husband can understand what a powerful statement that was. 

Date #1: The Cheap Guy from the Past

Japanese restaurant. He complained about work all night, complained about how expensive the restaurant was (it wasn't that expensive), complained about how boring life was, complained about how he never wanted to settle down and get married. 

I ate my sushi and counted the seconds. 

Date #2: The Stander-Upper

He stood me up. 

Date #3: The .... (I can't find a name proper enough to describe this one)

I've known him for a while and he's always been "off" in that dark mysterious way. I won't lie, I've fantasized once or twice about running off with him for a weekend full of passion and mystery. He never seemed fully "open" and that made him seem like that bad boy you've always wanted to tame. Unfortunately, everything I just said was way off from the truth. He was not a bad boy at all, just a closet gay guy (nothing against it), who wanted to pay me to join him and his random partners in bed. 

That imaginary weekend away quickly turned from passionate to freaky with a capital HOLY F*CK. 

....I wonder if it could get any worse in 2013?
.......Probably not. 


- Lots of Love...
- Lady D 

When Life Gives You Lemons...

As the one-year mark approaches for my divorce as well as the New Year, i've been thinking about my past and about the future. I believe I had done all the things on a "divorced-to-do" list; like gaining ten pounds, chopping off my hair, crying myself to sleep, fighting with my ex, forgiving my ex, fighting again then crying myself to sleep some more, dating someone, then watching the relationship go up in flames, then eating cake.

But there comes a time when every girl must take off her 'break-up' pizza-stained track pants, wipe the icing off her chin, and come to terms with her situation. So the diet/cleanse starts tomorrow and I've got two dates lined up for next week as well as a cousin's wedding. 

So starting today its hot water and lemon instead of the usual 600-calorie caramel coffee followed by the 6000-calorie butter croissant. And the big baggy sweaters are going back into storage and out come the Herve Leger's. I don't care if I stretch them to the point of tearing - I MUST fit back into them! 

The 2013 Break-Up Manual

Forget a pint of ice cream and back to back Bridget Jones' Diary Movies; break-ups nowadays need something stronger (and more on the rocks) than the age-old cures. As I believe I am soon going to go through a break-up with Mr. Nice very soon (more on that in another post), I have decided to create my "Break Up Survival Manual". 

Here goes: 

1. In some African cultures it is believed that making a man ingest a drop of a woman's period will make him fall under her spell, while other cultures believe in using a voodoo doll. So to be safe, wrap a voodoo doll up in a used pad and fling it at your ex. 

2. Make a list of every cent he has spent on you and bask in the knowledge that he is that much poorer because of you.

3. Call and cancel his cable, and any other subscription you may think of. 

4. Subscribe his email to pet lover websites, women who have hit menopause newsletters, and teen relationship columns.

5. Watch Bridget Jones' Diary and eat ice cream (I guess it doesn't matter what year it is, this one is a must!)

6. Get a random phone and text him "Get tested. Sorry". 

7. Write down all the qualities you want in a man and then beg the paper to come to life.

8. Watch Katy Perry's documentary. Seek solace in the fact that she too got dumped. Then try to handle it with the dignity and grace that she presented (if it helps get a blue wig and dance on stage with candy canes hanging from your nipples). 

9. If it's raining have a seat in front of the window and gaze at the raindrops while crying softly. Reach out and touch the glass dramatically, then look away. 

10. Believe that you are better off without the jerk. 

First Fight

As with all cases of trial and error, I've come to learn a few things from my past relationships. The one thing that I found to be the most common was that the men in my life always thought of me as a doormat; now i'm really not that much of a pushover and I have ended up leaving all those men for taking advantage of me and mistreating me and the one comment they all had after I left was "I never thought you'd leave!" As in- "I never thought you were strong enough". 

However I am strong enough, that was never the case; the case was that in between the meet-you and leave-you I tend to forgive and forget way too much, tend to try to avoid the fight instead of tackle it head on, and so on, because i'm a naturally easy-going and peaceful person. Apparently that has given the impression of weakness and desperation. 

I found myself repeating over and over "do I have to be a bitch like those other girls to keep a man? Is that what they want? A self-centered, manipulative, woman who puts them in their place whenever she finds the opportunity?" 

After my last relationship ended exactly like the previous ones I vowed to do things differently. I would pick men that weren't my "type" and I would ignore my usual instincts and do the opposite of what I thought to be right in every circumstance. While I may not get the best result, at least I'll be doing things differently this time. 

Anyway... to get to the point: 

My new relationship started a few months ago with someone that falls far from my usual category of men. Instead of silent and mysterious (the men that were like that ended up cheaters and abandoners), instead of the charismatic ego-centered bad boy (who never wanted to settle down), I picked Mr. Nice. 

Mr. Nice has a steady job, he does not look like he should be parked outside an Abercrombie & Fitch store like Mr. Ego-Centered, he is average looking. He wants to start a family and is very open and honest about everything. He values family and has a great relationship with everyone. Basically, Mr. Nice is also Mr. Boring. 

Anyway...to get to the point again:

Last night we had our first fight. Now I've been waiting for this because I've learned that it is a big indicator of a person's personality. I have dealt with the Ignorer and the Loud-In-Your-Face-Shouter so I was curious to see what kind this one would be. 

To set the scene: 

We were out on a date, it had just begun and he had said a few things on the car ride there that somewhat got on my nerves. Halfway through dinner, Mr. Nice said something that made me upset and was disrespectful. To make things worse I could tell by his attitude that he did not seem like he was going to take it back nor was it accidental. Now I had two ways to handle things:

1. My Usual Way: point out calmly and politely that he had said something disrespectful. Have him apologize and only half mean it and continue dinner (which I would hate myself for doing for the next week)

2. The Opposite Way: Escalate things. Inform him what he said was unacceptable, get up, walk out and ignore him for a while. 

I chose Option #2. 

I gave him my strongest "hell hath no fury" eyes as I pushed my chair back and dramatically tossed my napkin onto the table. With a flip of my hair and a few remarks I was out of there, leaving him open-mouthed and astonished. 

That night he called me a dozen times and sent a couple of apologetic texts. Now no guy has ever reacted to a fight that way with me. Deciding not to give in too easily, and considering that it was late I decided to sleep and deal with it in the morning. The next morning I awoke and replied to his text informing him that he had disrespected me. After two or three back and forth texts (me keeping it as short and simple as possible, which is the opposite of my usual 3-page essay style of texts) he started to ignore me. 

It has been almost an entire day of us ignoring each other which is the longest period so far. Now my old self would initiate a conversation and patch things up but I will see things through and act against my judgement. 

How would you have behaved in this situation? 
Do you think guys prefer strong women who put them in their place? 

The Five Friend Formula

Here's a list I made of the three different types of friends every person needs:

Type 1: The Party Animal

This friend is the one who's vocabulary consists of phrases like "we tore that shit up last night" (what was torn up is never stated) and "Did I leave my underwear at the club on Madison or the other one we went to after...or did I lose it in between?" Her body will have an alcohol tolerance level of "medical miracle"and her Iphones (yes, plural) will read like a who's who of the late night scene. If she can be reached during the day then she doesn't fit into this category. 

Type 2: The Therapist

This is the friend that remains calm through everything: break-ups, divorces, late night emergency room visits, armageddon, getting fired. The one that will offer tea, a warm blanket, and good advice. This friend should advise you against "burning down the motherf*ckers car with the motherf*cker in it" and should in no way drive you to the petrol station for some "soda, gum...and petrol". 

Type 3: The Competitive Career Woman 

This friend will meet you for an early dinner at a restaurant that only caters to the elite. You will dine on a half inch piece of steak with possibly half a celery stalk...and shell out $300 on this 5-star meal. This friend is always in a designer suit with hair that is incapable of being anything other than perfect. Most of her sentences will start with "so I got a promotion today" and end with "...that was right before I saved the stock market from crashing again." 

What two other types can you think of?

Introducing Moi...Lady D!

As I tapped my perfectly maroon-manicured fingers across my ink-black keyboard I willed my brain to come up with the most creative name possible for a blog. What described me? What's catchy? And so on, and so forth. But alas, whatever creative juices I may have had years ago were sucked dry by the red-eyed demon monster we so happily call 'life'. After all, wasn't I creating this blog to document every single high and low (emphasis on low...in fact completely disregard the word high) of 'life'? 

And that was when it caught my eye. The Mac lipstick I had purchased three years ago with the words "Lady Danger" printed on its bottom. Ah-three years ago, a time when I truly believed I could have been a real Lady D. I don't remember whether I bought the lipstick for its name or for its fiery shade...regardless of why, the events that happened three years ago quickly showed me how truly far from Lady D I really was. 

Stuck in a miserable marriage with a baby on the way, I felt far from the woman who should be swiping on some Lady D and click-click-clicking away in my high heels...high on life. 

In fact, my mind was thinking of matters far more important than makeup and heels; my mind was busy thinking of divorce. Was I sure? Was I ready? Could I handle it? All the while, Lady D stayed loyally on my makeup stand.

Yesterday, after being called out for a quick errand, without noticing myself I grabbed the nearest lipstick and drowned my full lips in its light rouge shade. This was the first time in three years. While it was not Lady D, it was one step closer. 

This blog will tell the story of what happened three years ago... and how I learned to transform myself into a real Lady D.