The 2013 Break-Up Manual

Forget a pint of ice cream and back to back Bridget Jones' Diary Movies; break-ups nowadays need something stronger (and more on the rocks) than the age-old cures. As I believe I am soon going to go through a break-up with Mr. Nice very soon (more on that in another post), I have decided to create my "Break Up Survival Manual". 

Here goes: 

1. In some African cultures it is believed that making a man ingest a drop of a woman's period will make him fall under her spell, while other cultures believe in using a voodoo doll. So to be safe, wrap a voodoo doll up in a used pad and fling it at your ex. 

2. Make a list of every cent he has spent on you and bask in the knowledge that he is that much poorer because of you.

3. Call and cancel his cable, and any other subscription you may think of. 

4. Subscribe his email to pet lover websites, women who have hit menopause newsletters, and teen relationship columns.

5. Watch Bridget Jones' Diary and eat ice cream (I guess it doesn't matter what year it is, this one is a must!)

6. Get a random phone and text him "Get tested. Sorry". 

7. Write down all the qualities you want in a man and then beg the paper to come to life.

8. Watch Katy Perry's documentary. Seek solace in the fact that she too got dumped. Then try to handle it with the dignity and grace that she presented (if it helps get a blue wig and dance on stage with candy canes hanging from your nipples). 

9. If it's raining have a seat in front of the window and gaze at the raindrops while crying softly. Reach out and touch the glass dramatically, then look away. 

10. Believe that you are better off without the jerk.